The Mr. Glass Experience

My article for the January 2010 issue of TheOuterBelt.com. Check it out and make sure you bookmark the site!

A New kind of New Year’s Resolution!

By. Mr. Glass

Every year millions of us sit down and prepare a list of “New Year’s Resolutions.” A Ridiculous set of goals we set for ourselves for the New Year. Things like ordering food from a bunch of Celebrities just so you can drop twenty pounds, or getting help for your weird obsession with the Jonas Brothers. Stuff you don’t really want to do but feel forced too by the pressures of society. Not only do we waste our precious time thinking of what we want them to be; but then we also tend to fail horrendously when it comes to achieving them. Some even suffer the pains of saying goodbye to the love of their life, like The Baconator, all to attempt something they will ultimately fail. This year I propose an option that will not only save you from heartache, soul crushing and wasted time; but something that you can easily achieve!

I propose to you that instead of making a list of worthless “resolutions”, you make a valuable list of “Things I’ll NEVER do this year!” That way you actually create a set of goals that is achievable without any effort put forth! How does one go about making the list you ask? First off, throw out the entire school of thought on making a “New Year’s Resolution!” The boring old attitudes of “bettering the world” or “improving oneself” don’t apply to this list. It isn’t full of worthy, thoughtful, grand ideas. Instead, it is chock full of things you think are lame, can’t stand, or just plain out despise. Things you refuse to ever own, say, do or buy. It shouldn’t be hard to fill a list full of outrageously dumb things you will never buy, say or do. The list is more than a set of “goals!” It’s something that you can have to remind you how lame the rest of society is!

Making one’s list can be as simple as doing the opposite of your previous “resolutions.”  Instead of dropping some weight, make the very first thing on your list “refusing to eat disgusting overpriced frozen food to lose weight this year, just because Dan Marino tells me too!” Is there an annoying phrase going around that you can’t stand? Put it down, as “I will never say ‘going ham’ on anything that doesn’t involve ham” A bizarre blanket product that for the life of you, you just can’t figure out why anyone would ever buy one? “Till death, I promise to never wear a sleeved animal print blanket like a complete tool!”  Once you come up with one or two good things, more should come easily. Soon you’ll be on a roll!

Finally, you have compiled your list of “things I’ll NEVER do”, now it boils down to one simple rule. Making sure, you do not do any of those outrageously retarded things on the list! This should be easy, considering no one with half a brain really wants to spend $20 on an absurdly orange paper towel anyways! Now that you have your list full of things you will not be doing this coming year, you have much more time to focus on the important things. Like constructing your master plan of kidnapping Jack then holding him hostage for a few hundred tacos! Enjoy the New Year, and make damn sure you don’t do anything I wouldn’t!